


to leave the warmest bed i’ve ever known

by bokeito



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Relationship(s), but literally not described at all, just me hurting my best boys in the name of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29076312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokeito/pseuds/bokeito
Summary: "Decembers are always cold, but as Kei leaves the train station, pulling his coat tight around him, he thinks maybe this is the coldest he’s felt in a good while. He scowls up at the sky, all too aware of the damp in the air. His pace quickens, a feeble attempt to avoid the rain, or snow if the universe really hates him.He turns a corner, and the universe manages to send something worse hurtling into him."Tsukishima Kei discovering that seven years of getting over someone can go down the drain, just like that.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	to leave the warmest bed i’ve ever known

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by 'tis the damn season' by taylor swift :)

Decembers are always cold, but as Kei leaves the train station, pulling his coat tight around him, he thinks maybe this is the coldest he’s felt in a good while. He scowls up at the sky, all too aware of the damp in the air. His pace quickens, a feeble attempt to avoid the rain, or snow if the universe really hates him.

He turns a corner, and the universe manages to send something worse hurtling into him.

Two figures collide, and Kei’s glasses clatter to the floor along with his suitcase. He winces as he hits the pavement hard, starts to feel around him for his glasses as the cold seeps through his jeans. Then, he’s stopped dead in his tracks, as the other pauses their frantic apologies.

“Tsukki?”

Kei freezes, making out black shoes reflecting the dim streetlight. He supposes it’s too much to hope that it’s Tadashi.

He raises his head, and - of course. As though he could ever mistake that hair, that hair that’s apparently remained untameable.

He feels a cold pang in his chest, and it’s not the ground anymore.

Kei scrambles to a more dignified position, pulling his glasses on, askew on his nose. On his knees, he meets shocked gold eyes, and time stands still.

“Kuroo.”

Even in the dim light, he sees the subtle expression changes, ones he used to know by heart, ones he can probably never really erase the memory of. A glimmer for a second, a glimmer that once accompanied a cheesy joke, a sleepy early morning smile, a soft gaze through a net. and then the glimmer fades, and is replaced by unmistakeable hurt. Hurt he only ever saw once.

But then a small smile curls the corners of his lips up, tentative but reassuring. Nervous, anticipating, just a little teasing. a picture perfect copy of when they first met. 

There’s a long silence, both of them wondering what can possibly fill a silence that’s been ongoing for seven years. Then they both try to speak, Tetsurou dramatically gestures for Kei to start, and Kei rolls his eyes and things feel almost normal, even while the furthest thing from it.

“What are you doing here?” is all Kei can even begin to ask. What are you doing here? Did you expect to see me? Did you hope to? Are you glad to have, now you’re in front of me, both of us still kneeling in the middle of the pavement?

“Ah, I’m here with Kenma, visiting the little one. How about you? Visiting your family for the holidays, I guess?”

Kei nods in silence, mind racing.

“How-“ Kei’s voice cracks, and he swallows hard. “How long are you here?”

Tetsurou looks taken aback for a moment, before regaining his composure as he always did. Well, except once.

“Ah, we’re leaving early on the 21st. I’m just here for petrol money and so Kenma can make me drive half, really.” Tetsurou starts to stand as he speaks, brushing damp and gravel off the knees of dark jeans. He half reaches out to help Kei up, like instinct even after all this time, then awkwardly jolts his hand back, his eyes slipping from Kei’s own.

Ah, of course. This is still weird.

“So. just for the weekend?” Kei prods, not entirely sure why he’s asking. He pushes himself from the ground, the ice burning his hand rather than Tetsurou’s skin.

Tetsurou nods, and their eyes meet again. And something stirs in Kei’s stomach, and he shouldn’t be asking, god, he shouldn’t be asking, but when has he ever been rational when it comes to Tetsurou?

“Where are you staying?” There’s a pause, just long enough to sting. When Tetsurou speaks again, it’s slow, but deliberate.

“The motel by Hinata’s.”

Kei nods, not trusting himself to say anymore. He grips his suitcase handle, bows slightly and turns hurriedly, counting his steps to focus on anything other than the fact that he’s walking away from Tetsurou, again, when it’s the last thing he wants to do, again.

“Kei!”

His whole body freezes, the use of his given name jolting him back to training camp and stolen moments with their foreheads pressed together, cheesy messages full of kaomojis, whispered late night phone calls.

“Why do you ask?” Tetsurou’s brow is furrowed and his eyes are dark, searching Kei. He knows why, he always knows, but he’s making him say it.

“Well,” Kei falters. “I’m at my mother’s house. and I could borrow her car. You know, it’s been so long, and-“

“Borrow her car to what?” Tetsurou presses on, taking a step forward. God, after all this time he’s still the same provocateur.

“To… see you. maybe.” Kei’s voice trails off, his cheeks burning furiously, his eyes firmly on the ground. After what feels like forever of silence, he glances up, and Tetsurou’s looking at him with that same soft smile that was reserved just for him all those years ago.

“Yeah. Okay. That sounds good.” He steps backwards and starts to turn away. “You still have my number,” he calls behind him, and strolls off.

Kei’s left standing, feeling as flustered as though still falling, unsure of what really happened or how he said anything he did.

Wait, ‘you still have my number’? Kei scowls at his retreating back.

Cocky bastard.

-

Driving up the mountain to Hinata's takes longer than Kei remembered, and his mother’s taste in CDs is abhorrent, so he drives in silence. Which would honestly be his preference, but not when there are so many feelings and thoughts he needs to distract himself from. His phone lies on the passenger seat, open with Tetsurou’s messages for the motel address at the end of a conversation long enough that Kei had to repress a lot of thoughts along the lines of well-maybe-we-can-fix-things, including an explanation that yes technically it was his and Kenma’s room, but Kenma very promptly decided he would sleep at Hinata’s so the room was free for them. Not that that matters, obviously, why would that matter? Kei sighs, throws his head back harshly into the headrest. Maybe it would be worth listening to the classical CDs his mother seemed to hoard if it means he can stop overthinking for one moment.

He pulls into the car park and leans his forehead on the wheel, hoping to any god out there that his nerves could settle just a little. He knows the motel; he passed it on morning runs a few times in his third year. It does, however, feel like a cruel coincidence that his most prominent memory of this motel is running past it in the middle of a december night like this, using a run as an escape again. Trying desperately to replace the memories of Tetsurou’s voice, audibly broken even through the phone, after Kei told him he couldn’t do this anymore. That he couldn’t do long distance, after half a year of it, that their schedules were too different and he didn’t know how to keep this going but maybe they could talk in a few years, maybe they could try again then.

They hadn’t. They hadn’t spoken once since that phone call, when Kei decided he would never feel that deeply again, not when it felt like his heart was breaking as Tetsurou’s voice cracked over the lines.

And yet, here he is. In a motel parking lot, handing the universe a weapon and leaving himself open to attack.

Kei bumps his head a couple times on the wheel, then glances up. The sky’s pitch dark, the moon thin and weak. He takes a deep breath, and pushes the car door open

Tetsurou pulls the door open, and instantly Kei knows this is a mistake. There it is, that smile, that fucking smile, that, even seven years later, makes Kei feel like maybe there is good in this horrible world. Whatever the good is, it certainly isn’t him, going to a motel to desperately grasp at something long gone. Some glimmer of hope that he knows is irrational, that he knows is just going to hurt twice as bad when it goes out.

He steps into the room anyway, into Tetsurou.

They already only have two nights, but it feels like two minutes. Kei wakes the next morning to his legs tangled with Tetsurou’s, cold air hitting his bare chest, and a bitter, empty feeling in his stomach. This isn’t right.

A glance at his phone tells him it’s 12:27pm. He should leave. He doesn’t.

When they do stir, they drive. Kei doesn’t know many of the food places near them, but he knows enough, and it’s better than staying in the motel room with a thousand unspoken feelings hanging over them. Tetsurou plays music through his tinny phone speaker, loud enough to quieten Kei’s thoughts, and they eat cold, limp fries in a parking lot. It rains, and they keep up meaningless conversation, and Tetsurou calls Kei ‘babe’ at one point and he tries not to flinch. Because god, this was an awful idea, not because it’s bad but because it’s so good and it’s only a weekend and then he has to lose Tetsurou all over again and he doesn’t know how he’ll hold himself together. And he wouldn’t have had to let it go again if he’d just clung on seven years ago. But he didn’t, and now it’s too late. And Kei can’t ask Tetsurou to wait for him to figure something out, and Tetsurou can’t ask Kei to stay. So they talk, like they always used to, teasing and mocking and never saying anything too heavy, and then they go back to the motel, like they both know they shouldn’t, and they damage everything irreparably once again.

And then it’s Monday. it’s Monday, and Kei wakes to Tetsurou moving around the room, gathering up clothes strewn across the floor, putting them in his suitcase. He meets Kei’s eye, the uncanny sense he has for Kei watching him that he apparently hasn’t lost, and smiles, but it’s hollow. He moves to the bed, falls on top of the duvet on his front, face inches from Kei. His eyes are searching again, the questions they should’ve asked straight away clearly dancing on his tongue, but he has enough sense to bite them back. He leans in and kisses Kei, and Kei knows it’s going to be just another twist of the knife when he leaves, but he chases Tetsurou’s lips when he pulls back regardless. Tetsurou’s hand finds his jaw, his skin freezing cold, and Kei flinches away and wishes he hadn’t. Tetsurou grins, and it still doesn’t reach his eyes. He shivers, pulls the duvet half over him, nuzzles into Kei’s shoulder.

The bed is awful, objectively. A too-small bed, in a freezing motel room. Somehow, with Tetsurou, it’s the warmest bed Kei’s ever known.

“Kenma’s going to be here in around ten minutes.”

There it is.

He’s there in eight minutes, actually. He calls Tetsurou to tell him to come out, and Kei walks behind him, and while he didn’t exactly expect a warm welcome from Kenma, his complete silence makes the situation feel a bit more final, a bit more solemn, and leaves a little too much room for thought.

Tetsurou turns to him, his brow furrowed slightly, and Kei knows before he opens his mouth that it’s all of those questions they needed to be asking while they had time.

“Listen, Kei-“

But they don’t have time, not anymore.

“Drive safe, Kuroo.” he cuts him off, trying to keep his voice steady. He watches Tetsurou’s expression change again, subtleties he now knows 100% he’ll never be able to scour his mind clean of. The hurt in his eyes again, just as he expected. It still stings. God, it still stings.

“Kei-“

“Kuroo.” It’s no good. Tetsurou has to know they can’t have some big goodbye for closure, that Kei can’t do that again.

Of course, he does know. He always knows. He looks into Kei’s eyes with such intensity that Kei feels he has to know how Kei feels better than he does, which he probably does, and then he nods.

And then he leaves. A small smile and a wave and Kenma drives away a little too fast, and Kei stands still for what feels like forever, trying to ignore that he’s spent the weekend attaching himself to Kuroo Tetsurou yet again, sewing himself to his shoulders and back and heart, desperately trying to ignore that he would be torn away from him right when the wounds were fresh, even as it was all he could think about. He doesn’t cry, but he sits heavily on the concrete and thinks he might. And he stands, and dusts his jeans off. The world is just starting to come alive, the light watery and cold. He deletes the number from his phone, even as it’s seared into his mind. Reaching for his car keys, Kei takes a step forward.

**Author's Note:**

> hi ! this is my first time posting to ao3 hehe be my friend on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bokeito) maybe !!!!!


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